Rules To Snark By

I've been seeing the following forward making the Facebook rounds:

We need to teach our DAUGHTERS the difference between
A man who FLATTERS her and a man who COMPLIMENTS her.
A man who SPENDS MONEY on her and a man who INVESTS in her.
A man who views her as PROPERTY and a man who views her PROPERLY.
A man who LUSTS after her and a man who LOVES her.
A man who believes HE is GOD'S GIFT to women and a man who remembers a WOMAN was GOD'S GIFT to MAN.
And then teach OUR SONS to be that kind of man.




Okay, so you know I'm salivating here. Where to begin, where to begin? I suppose I can see the author's intent; let's teach our daughters self-worth and value so that they choose healthy relationships. But, in the grand tradition of televised lingerie fashion shows and party pics of Pamela Anderson table dancing in Cabo, things widely disseminated in order to empower women can come off as farcical, and even a little sad. So, sure, I could point out the absurd and obvious contradictions-- a gent who believes women are God's gift to him would most likely see said gift as property. Also, I'm not entirely certain, but a man who invests in a woman is probably looking for a return, so maybe we'd be better served teaching our daughters the difference between a man who spends money on her, and a pimp. Admittedly, though picking apart this missive is entertaining, it's hardly helpful. "But, Kitt," absolutely none of you are asking, "What do you think we should be teaching our daughters?" Buckle up, kiddies, I'm about to lay some cold, hard parental wisdom on you. I've raised two daughters to the combined age of four, so, clearly I'm qualified for such things.

You need to teach your daughter the difference between a man who compliments her, and a man who complements her. Example? A guy once told me that I "had done growed up in all the right places." Was I flattered? Sure. But did I date him? Only a few months. Simply put, compliments rock, but that doesn't necessarily mean the complimenter does. Conversely, my husband's idea of a compliment is "Don't worry, I have more wrinkles than you do." BUT he gets my sense of humor, and he's the world's best straight-man; he definitely complements me.

You need to teach your daughter the difference between jeggings and pants. JEGGINGS AREN'T PANTS!!

You need to teach your daughter the difference between a roth and traditional IRA. Of the 62 million wage and salaried American women working today, only 45 percent participate in a retirement plan. Another fun fact-- the life expectancy of an American woman is 81, while the average American man is expected to live to 76. This means that while women are living longer than men, they're probably saving less. Ladies, DO NOT depend on someone else to support you. The last thing you're going to feel like doing at eighty is trolling retirement homes for boytoys, when your main competition will be a perky, twentysomething trollop who's looking for a wealthy grandpa to "invest" in her.

You need to teach your daughter the difference between safe sex, and safe sects. Condoms good, sister-wives bad. While you're at it, you may want to let your teenager know that sex is power. That is to say, she holds all the power until she has sex, then it goes directly to that love of her life who won't be speaking to her the next month. Oh, he'll be speaking about her, just not to her.

You need to teach your daughter the difference between lie, lay, laid, and lain. Then kindly have your daughter explain it to me.



And, finally, teach your son to stay away from girls whose mothers used Facebook as a parenting resource.